Coming to Terms

Wow! It’s been quite a while since I posted my last post, and boy are there many things to say. I think I started this blog right around the time I got laid off… Maybe that’s because that was the time when I felt like I needed an outlet. Someone to talk to – even if that someone was cyberspace. So here I am.

I kind of think of my blog as a confessional. Not the ones in the Catholic Church. More like the ones on the reality show. It’s the place where I come to terms with things, spill my heart, or post some other random note.

Confession 1: The business. Argh! Why did I decide to go into business for myself? It is not easy at all. Talk about an increase in stress level. Add that to starting a new job and all the other crap that’s been going on in my life…badabing badaboom…instant increase in stress. Let’s put it like this… When you don’t have money flowing from the whazoo, you have to get creative and do a lot of things on your own. You also have to make consellations that you wish you didn’t have to make. Honestly, Fred Meijer taught this well – the concept of doing things in order to put the customer first. This hurts. It’s stressful. Sometimes you just want to walk away and say forget it. Actually, you want to do that almost all the time. And when you don’t stay the course to what you said your business would stand for, that is a huge lesson learned. I said I was going into business as a consultant; not an executor. So why in all tarnation have I built and mapped websites, and more. I said I wasn’t doing another website a while ago, and yet, I just “finished” another one. Note the quotations. I still have work to do. And let the server crash and you don’t have backup files. How about building the site twice and getting paid for it once. This is what it means to go into business for yourself. Making compromises, staying up late hours, and doing things you just wished you didn’t have to do. Can you tell I’m reconsidering this going into business for myself thing? However, this is one thing I’m just not sure if I can give up on it. It’s not like I just want to do it. It’s like I have a purpose in it. That’s a double-sided sword. You know it will succeed (maybe not to the extent in which you wish), but you DO NOT want to put the time and effort into it. What happened to overnight success?

Confession 2: Relationships. I have zero idea how I feel about relationships right now, and I know everyone has their 2 cents. However, after my last relationship, my head is totally discombobulated. Do I want to be in another relationship? What does another relationship look like? Why aren’t we talking anymore right now? This still seems unreal, but not. Can you tell my world has been turned totally upside down. I don’t even know how to feel right now. Not at all. I know one thing – I’m not in the mood for playing games. I don’t know if I’m supposed to take time to find myself. Go date someone else. What. In the past I knew I was moving on. There was no question about it. “What? We’re done? Cool.” It may have been hard to accept during the conversation, and for one particular person it took a bit of time, but nothing like this. This is what love feels like. And it’s hard because I’m totally spilling my heart to whoever reads this. Some will say “get over it.” Some will give the “Awww.” Frankly, this could just be because I’m PMS’ing, and women, we know how that is. Ask me in a week, and life may be cherries and peaches again. But for right now, I’m jacked up on so many different levels that even I can’t capture it in this post because even I don’t know what it all is.

Confession 3: New job. Not that being laid off and having relationship issues isn’t enough. Add a new job to the mix, and I’m stressed like every day. My job has a great cause, and coworkers and leadership are passionate about the cause, but it’s different. I believe in a lot of it. I definitely appreciate the cause, but talk about a learning cure. Y’all I’m not selling bananas and clothes anymore. This is a bigger cause. More meaningful, and it’s so different. I mean, healthcare. And not in the sense that you would think about it. No I’m not talking about acupuncture and alternative healing techniques (though, who’s to say alternative methods are bad). What I am saying is you have to get to a deeper level. It’s not just about the shiny and the new. It’s so much bigger. So much deeper. To add to it being a new industry, I have to add a new target market. They’re still people — BUT — instead of thinking about how they want their house to look or what they want their food to taste like, i’m thinking so many different other things. And yes. I do doubt and question myself A LOT.

Confession 4: New job means new people. Oh my goodness. In addition to learning a new target market and a new industry, I’m getting to know new people. And not just the people themselves, but also how they work. Personal dynamics is one thing. Add that to how they work, and another level. One word. Adjustment. I have a ton of great people I work with. Some really funny people too. Just a different culture. And like with anything involving people, you just have to adjust. – I used to think I was okay with change.

Confession 5: Hair and beauty. I wanted to be pretty. I made myself pretty. Then I wonder, “am I too pretty?” What the heck? Who does that? And I straightened my hair becuase I was tired of the natural/curly drama, and now I’m having a hard time keeping it straight. Add to that my obsession with YouTube videos.

Confession 6: I think wayyyy too much.

Confession 7: I don’t know how to stop thinking so much. I don’t know how to not be stressed. I don’t know how to not think so much. I try to get things to help take my mind off things. I try really hard. I think I’m going to go back to a therapist. I need to.

Confession 8: I operate a lot in fear, and I have panic and anxiety attacks a lot. I have pills to help, but they only work sometimes. And if I don’t take them, I have anxiety and panic to the point that I shake…especially if I’m already stressed out about something. This has been happening more often lately.

Confession 9: I operate a lot out of what other people will think of me. “Are my clothes okay? Is my hair okay? Is my puse up-to-date? Am I pretty enough for their approval?” And yes, this is super stressful. This is what happens when kids aren’t accepted as kids. They do things, even through their adult lives to be accepted. I’m a product of this. Yep…I’m pretty and accepted, but guess what, it doesn’t come with a cost. Stress. Ugh! And I don’t know how to get over this. Cause if I didn’t think I was pretty enough, then it would be self-esteem. Believe me, I flip flop – so I know how the teeter totters.

Confession 10: I’ve probably written wayyyy too much. But guess what. I feel a million times better. Thanks for being my “listening ear.” I totally needed it.

Not all is bad, but I’m in a pretty bad spot right now. I just wish much more was better. I have a great job, awesome family and friends, and more. It’s just what people have said, it all starts within. Pray for me peeps.

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