So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, and there have been so many things that have happened.
#1: my boyfriend and I are back together. I can’t remember if I’ve blogged since that happened. I think I have…just probably haven’t put it on here yet.
#2: I celebrated my 1 year anniversary at my job.
#3: I’m still addicted to YouTube
#4: I’m still learning how to adjust to my life with my biological father in it. And so this is where I think I’ll keep this mic for the day.
Really, how selfish am I to say, “You weren’t there.” It’s not a question. It’s a fact…and I’m not saying that to hurt him, but I am hurt about it. I’m hurt that there are expectations and thoughts since he decided to show up and begin being a father that he now thinks he gets father privileges. For some reason, I can’ t be okay with that. I can’t be okay with a dollar here and a dollar there and me seeing you once a year…and then when you suddenly decide to make a change and show up…that not you have expectations and privileges. How fair is that? I don’t think that’s very fair at all. And maybe it seems unfair to put this in a blog, but I’m sure he will read it and I’m also sure there are others who are experiencing the same thing.
The reality is to not walk in hurt, but walk in steps to healing – not brokenness…and healing to me means taking care of me first. Whether the person on the other side can get behind that or not, I can’t understand.
So why not a letter? Because he already has he mind made up on what he wants and how he wants it. So when it comes to that, why try. Why try working with a person who already has their mind made up on how they see things.
And I know there are a lot of kids, teens, and ADULTS who are now struggling with this. Struggling with…where is my father? Or does he really have the gumption to have an ounce of an expectations.
Or maybe it was the mother who disappeared? The same questions apply.
Does anyone know what it feels like to feel that you were just not worthy – not valuable enough for your parents to hug and kiss or even reach out to say hello? I mean, how dare you say that I or my mom could’ve reached out to you. If I was that important, neither hell nor high water would’ve been able to keep me away from you…but that was not the case. Not at all. You let hurt, bitterness, and ultimately drugs keep you away..
I get it…drugs is a disease. Whoopdie doo. It still doesn’t take away the hurt. It doesn’t change the fact that I don’t feel like I was valuable enough for you to come to my house on a regular basis just to say hello. I lived at the same place from the age of 5-18, so he knew where I was…and he should not even have the audacity to even utter his lips to me to say we could’ve reached out or that I was his priority. Like hell I was. Not at all. Yes. Drugs had grips, but I couldn’t understand. Actually, that doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change the way I feel. I get it logically, but I’m human…not everything is logical. When I love, I love with my heart and my mind. My heart is hurt.
Do I want any harm to come his way? Absolutely not. Do I expect him to understand how I feel? Not really. He can never wear my shoes. Do I wish that he respected my thoughts and wishes beyond his own feelings and what he thought…yes. And I think we’re getting there.
If in any way we think this is going to be easy…rethink it. Do I even know where it’s going to end up. Not really. I’m not extremely hopeful because we don’t want the same thing. I just want to know my dad is stable and sound and responsible. He wants to be my dad. I’m 32. While I want the fantasy…I don’t want to make time for the fantasy. I like my world the way it is. Yes, I’m being a bit spoiled, but is that okay. Why? should I make you my priority now when I wasn’t even your convenient in the past. Really. Let’s be real about this.
Do I hate him? Absolutely not. Do I love him? Absolutely, yes. I’m just being very real about my thoughts and feelings. And ladies, this is why you should not have children with men that you don’t have a shadow of a doubt that they are going to be there.
Sorry this is so solem. Just where I am today.
Love ya readers.