There are times when our faith is absolutely rocked to the core. Times when we don’t understand, and all we’re left with is questions. Times when your beliefs are challenged and put to the test, and you have to make the decision of whether or not you will still stand. Will you stand, though you don’t understand or will you give in to your flesh; everything your mind is telling you? Will you endure the pain or allow the pain to overcome you? Or will you look to Your help, even though it seems as if your help somehow failed you.
And that pretty much sums up my week. The fact that I prayed doesn’t seem as it was good enough. The fact that I tried to believe doesn’t seem like it was good enough. And knowing how much pain we would all be in…still not good enough. Not enough to not allow little Q to escape this world.
In the form of a 13 year old girl, she meant so much to so many. Vibrant smile. Sass for days. Talented. Energetic. And now gone.
Could she have fulfilled her purpose in those small days, which to us seems so limited.
But that’s exactly where faith comes in. Where I now find hope. Maybe she did fulfill her purpose. In fact, I believe now that she did. She gave us something to remember. She gave us, if not but a glimpse, what joy looks like. And now I can find joy in her purpose.
Though it may hurt – and I mean badly – to see her go, to not be able to hear her voice anymore, I can always remember the joy she had and her purpose – bringing joy to others. Helping people laugh. Being silly. Letting us know it’s okay to be a little blinged out and enjoy even the smallest things. And to even let us know it’s okay to be human. We will make mistakes. We won’t be perfect, and that’s okay. The way we loved her in the midst at times gives new hope in how God loves me unconditionally.
So while I still may ask questions and most likely will, I can also stand strong on my faith. Like the song says, “my soul has been anchored.”
I have yet to praise for sovereignity, but am finding praise in grace, understanding, and process. God knows exactly what he created and the trials we would go through, and just like any gentle father would do, he’s allowing moments of learning and growing, even in the midst of pain. And for that I am humbled and even thankful.
I may not get it all, and maybe never will. And then enters faith.