Past Midnight. Can’t Sleep.

What lies beneath. That was the name of a movie, right?

That’s exactly what this moment right now represents.

With all the amazing things that have happened to me – all the peace and prosperity I’ve felt as of late – I hate that right now at this very moment I feel as if I’m reliving moments of past. Mind racing. Can’t sleep despite the fact that I’ve taken my every day pill and my special, doctor-approved wonder drug.

I thought that right now I’d be sleep.

And while I appreciate the blessings God has bestowed on me – and they have been pretty great, may I add – I still feel the tension of:

Not feeling worthy of the blessings.

Feeling that I would be worthy if only I gave a little more.

Stress of retirement. Will Social Security even be an option?

Being a good mentor.

Being a good person.

Being a good example.

And simply enjoying life – which I have been doing a pretty fabulous job at.

Longing once again for a¬†relationship, but not in an instance trusting that I am ready to give my heart in such a vulnerable manner. Feel the stress of a relationship once again. Wear my emotions on my sleeve with the need for repair because right now my heart is damaged goods. Or even love again. Loving God is enough for me at this moment. Maybe one day I’ll feel someone is worthy of my love. I can’t say today is that day. Tomorrow won’t be either. Don’t know how I’m going to get there, but maybe one day I will.

I want marriage…………. right?

What lies beneath. That was the name of a movie, right?

And, at this moment, right now, I still can’t sleep.

1 comment

  1. You are an amazing and beautiful person. Wishing you warm milk, hugs and comfort right now my friend!

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