I’m Struggling as a Christian

Where do I go from here? I mean, I’ve been saved since I was 10 years old and really living for Christ since I was 18…with slip ups, of course. But I mean now, I’m really struggling. It’s like the polar opposites are pulling at me and I don’t know which way to go. I’m looking for more excitement as a Christian and my old ways are saying, “hey, Gina, remember us?” And I’m like, “I do, but I love God more than you, but you do look quite good right now.” Oh what I’d give to just cuss someone out…just once or 15 times. But I won’t.

I won’t turn back. That’s all I hear. That’s all I feel, though I feel the pull…the tug to go the opposite way.

Lord, I know you hear me, but it seems like you’re just letting me figure it out.

Transition. That’s what it is. That’s what I feel. No pain, no gain, right?

I guess I’m growing up again. Another level like a young boy going through a painful growth spurt, but the outcome is a handsome young man in comparison to the little boy with the deep voice with distinct signs of growth, yet his countenance not fully to fruition.

I just have to hold on.

It seems like there are so many days that I sigh. So many days that I cry. So many days I hurt. Yet, so many days I smile. Smile in the pain. Smile through the pain. Smile despite the pain. In fact, there are times when the smile literally takes away the pain. Or times when I smile because I’ve literally forgotten about the pain, if only for one moment.

It’s not that I want you to be sad for me. If I could make it go away, I would. But I’m growing and learning…and growth can sometimes be painful…but tell me a time when true growth hasn’t been rewarding – when there hasn’t been a testimony that came out of the test or a message that has come out of the mess. If I were to say it didn’t suck, I would be lying. But positivity and knowing God will are what holds me. It’s what keeps me going. I never said I would be perfect. I never said it wouldn’t hurt. But I will say God has me. And even in the midst of me struggling, He’s still with me…walking with me. Holding my hand, making sure I don’t fall…or even picking me up and dusting me off when I do fall. He did it for Adam and Eve, He did it for David, and I’m sure he has been and will do it for me.

If you’re a Christian and a praying person, please pray for me. Your prayers are appreciated.

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