Reliving My Past: Journal Entry 1

I don’t know what gave me this grand idea to document my private moments in my blog; the moments that I’ve been capturing in my blog for years.

I guess it is for people to see me…see even deeper into all that I encounter. To see the stages that I’ve journeyed through over the years. To understand that the road to recovery isn’t an overnight thing, but it is indeed a journey. A very painful journey that comes with more downs than ups.

And it’s hard to look back because looking back is painful.

I had no idea how painful.

I had no idea I would feel different emotions than I felt then; that the pain of old would morph into a newfound, different type of  pain. One of sorrow and pity. One where I really felt for myself…as if it hurts more now than it did then.

To go through something is painful, but to have to look back at it – to have to admit just how painful it was – that’s almost downright torture. But I’ve forced myself to open a vessel of vulnerability in order to help someone else. To help someone see that they’re not alone with illogical thoughts. To help them see that Christians also suffer with this painful condition.

 

Hopefully, as I take you through this journey, you’ll get an understanding of just what it was like. This may be hard for me, but I hope that through this memoir, you and those around you actually find some type of solace in your struggle; whether it’s depression or some other type of struggle, I hope that through my story, you find an inkling of hope that this too shall pass.

 

Entry 1:

Year: 2000 or 2001

“A prayer of desperation, fear, and hope for hope.”

God,

Please hep me. Please help me. Please help me. Please help me. Teach me. I’m ready to learn. I know you want to help me. I need to know how to let you do what you have to do. God, please show me how to lean on you. Show me how to have exceeding amounts of faith God. I believe in your and everything about you. God, I want to believe more. God, I know that I question things sometimes, but God, I want you to show me how to not even question you anymore. God, help me in places of doubt. Give me an exceeding amount of love for you and everything else that is about you. God, I am ready to be on fire for you again. god, I want my thoughts to be brought into the captivity to the obedience of Christ. God, I refuse to lose this race. I know that you are going to take me through. God, help me to lean in faith. Give me the faith I need, please. I don’t want to be like this. God, nobody knows but you everything that I am going through, and you are the only one with all the answers. God, I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to even have thoughts that will wrong you. Hep me to not dwell on thoughts. God, I know you are real, and everything about you is real. God, I ask that you become even more real to me. God, you know that my desire is to please you. So God, I am asking that I am going in your will. Daddy, I want to be close to you. I will not leave you,a nd I know you will not leave me. I thank you Daddy for even putting up with me @ times like this. I know you said that you will never leave me nor forsake me, and you haven’t left me yet. I thank you for a mind to please you God. I thank you for providing bread from heaven in your word. God, I just want to make sure that I am not out of line with you. Where I am out of line, please correct and I thank you that you will correct me. Daddy, I thank you for the psychologist and I just thank you that things will ultimately work out for me praising you. Daddy, I thank you that you out doctors here. But, daddy, I am glad that you have the ultimate answer even when the doctors don’t know where to go. God, I know that joy, love and peace is in your name, and as your child, that joy love and peace is also for me. I thank you for that Daddy. God, I will never forget you, your son, or your Holy Spirit. God, I also know that if I am addressing you, then I am right, and god, I am going to praise you for the rest of my days. Daddy, I really love you. Just please help me. thank you for the joy that you have given me already. I thank you that I am more than a conquerer in Your name. 

I love You God,

I love you Jesus,

I love you Holy Ghose/Holy Spirit.

Love, Gina

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