Over the course of my blog, I’ve shared several posts regarding my love life. You’ve read the good, the bad, and the ugly. You’ve read stories that went from love to the struggles of being in an abusive relationship. You’ve even had a chance to laugh as I chronicled some of my experiences.
All-in-all, you’ve had a chance to journey with me. And if you’ve followed me for any amount of time – virtually or in real life – then you know that my journey hasn’t come without it’s frustrations, especially those related to being single, successful, and well, black.
I talked about the need for black men to step up. I’ve talked about the struggles of being lonely. And, for goodness sakes, I’ve talked about the things I only wished people would not say to single people.
That’s why this is not going to be a wait on your Boaz, find yourself, wait for the perfect person post. That crap will have you single foreva (and eva eva *in my Outkast voice*).
You Gotta Kiss Some Frogs
“Lord, why am I single,” I would often think. Comparing myself to media and my friends, I thought I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough or something enough. (Cliché, but true)
Then I read a book by a Christian author and something things stuck out. I didn’t allow myself to kiss enough frogs. I wasn’t looking at the whole of my friends relationship experiences.
The author directed the reader to look at their married friends and think about their experiences on a broader scale. He reminded me to think about all the frogs they had to kiss, i.e. all their bad experiences, before they found “the one.” I realized one big difference was their willingness to experiment regardless of what others thought.
The Frogs Were Part of the Refining Process
But let’s be honest, kissing frogs and letting people in is painful. Look at my journey. Look at the frogs I’ve chronicled…including the ones who looked like sheep, but were in wolves clothing. From broken hearts to games to the emotional roller coaster. Heck, even just the awkward stage of getting to know the person and their intentions. It’s hard out there.
I was over getting played. I was over people I didn’t think were good enough for me. I was over being lonely. I was over falling deeply only to find myself once again on the other side of the road picking up the pieces. And I was growing more and more bitter inside. I was at my WITS END.
What I didn’t realize was that I was also going through a period of refinement. As much as it sucked. As much as I hated it. As many tears as I cried. It was necessary.
It was when I got to a point of sheer frustration point that I realized what I really wanted. I was finally able to put it in words, and it wasn’t some light-skinned trophy piece that I could show off in public and brag about in private.
Simply put, I wanted someone to appreciate Regina. The quirky, opinionated, and sometimes cocky Regina…flaws and all. It wasn’t just about someone who thought I was pretty. It wasn’t about being part of the in crowd. I just wanted to be in love with someone who loved me and appreciated me as much as I did them.
In comes Jay…
Jay is not the saved thug, semi-hood type. He’s not gonna get street with the brothas and assimilate at the job. And he’s not chasing the lastest trends. He’s very different from what I would’ve stated as my type; that is if you’re only looking at these qualities alone.
But I’ve fallen in love with Jay. I’ll brag about him all day. He’s handsome. He’s caring. And so much more (but I’ll keep that to myself because I don’t want y’all going after what I have). I’ll just put it like this there are so many qualities that make up who Jay is that I couldn’t help but love him. He pulls my heart strings. And of everything I could want from a man, he gives me the thing I want most; someone who shows and communicates that they appreciate and care for me as much as I appreciate and care for them.
If I’d never gone through my refining period, I’d never know the gem that I have in Jay. As much as it sucked and all the tears I cried were worth it. It was worth getting bitter and upset and almost giving up. Then and only then did I realize what was really important to me.
Ladies, there are times when we are ridiculous. Yes…your standards (or fantasy) may be
too high ridiculous. I’m not going to sugar coat this for you because it wasn’t sugar-coated for me. Maybe you’ve concocted an unrealistic fantasy. I did. In fact, the post that I wrote on Facebook wasn’t very far from the fantasy I’d concocted.
Single ladies. I want to let you know how irrational and unfair some of our desires for a mate are. Read this: Single female looking for nice looking black male, bad boy type who knows how to treat me right with the right amount of hood but can’t be too ghetto. Oh yeah…and he MUST be a Christian holding down a good job and pays all the time and gives me all the time I desire but doesn’t ask me for too much. And yeah…I may or may not cook. Is this you? Is this like you?
So what’s my advice to single women?
Be okay with whatever state you’re in. Know that loneliness is normal. Know that maybe it’s okay to be a little thirsty…to desire companionship. Most of all, know that this period may be a period of refinement.
Take time to truly look at yourself. Maybe it is about acquiring skills or working on “flaws,” but let’s be honest, you’ve likely read or heard that from someone else. But from someone who can still feel the pains of being single (though I’m in a happy relationship), I’d challenge you to learn from my experience. Allow this time to speak to you to know who you are and can’t change and what you need to make you happy. It may take some tears. It may take some bad experiences. But you’ll come out with another notch of what will make you hopefully make you relationship-ready.