One week before my birthday, my boyfriend and I broke up. (Sidenote: It’s feels really good to be blogging). Anyhoo, like I said, a week before my birthday, my boyfriend and I broke up. It wasn’t unforeseeable, yet, I didn’t see it coming. Not 100%. We were in that odd spot; that spot where we had previously gone looking at rings, yet hadn’t made any moves toward marriage. The spot where I began to put the pressure on…either it is or it ain’t. The spot where the hours where the patience was growing shorter and comprimise had thinned.
We were at our make or break moment. It was in that moment that we broke.
And it hurt.
And though not 100% related, life was coming to a head in the midst of that moment. At the tip, a life-changing trip to Mexico City.
I’d scheduled this trip while I was still in my relationship. He didn’t know I scheduled it, but I knew that I had to get away. Not from him…but from life. There were so many things stressing me out. Things that I was holding in for months; holding my tongue to try to be more PC. Holding my tongue to be a suitable mate. Holding my tongue because I no longer wanted to be known as brash. (BTW…I hate that label. Stop saying it to people.)
Being away from home, yet not far enough that it felt foreign, I had a change to gain a bit of clarity. The weather was warm. The sun was out. I spoke enough Spanish to get by (smile), but not enough to totally understand what was going on around me. I was literally able to have some time with just me.
For the most part, I experienced peace. I had moments where I laughed. Moments where I chilled with hip hop in the park. Moments where I shopped. And no one was bothering me. No one was asking me for anything.
That’s when I realized, I’d gotten into a state of giving too much without a ton of reciprocity.
Some would say you don’t give with the expectation to get something in return. They’re right. Though, wisdom has taught that you can’t give and give and give without having something put back into your tank. I was not putting back into my tank. And no matter how much my boyfriend wanted to or even tried, he wasn’t even filling the tank to the needed capacity.
The reality is that I was giving much more than I had to give.
I was drained. And I was on what seemed to be the verge of a mental breakdown.
And try they may, at this time, I didn’t need people. I needed Regina to be strong and get her priorities straight. I did this by putting things in proper perspective — what I was stressing over vs. my health. I went with my health.
I temporarily closed my Etsy shop. Though it was only supposed to be closed for a week, I closed it for a month. And I didn’t tell many people because it wasn’t their business.
I stopped stressing about my Etsy orders. I have a full-time job and lead a pretty demanding ministry at church. If an order was late, the most they could do was write a bad review, report me or I would need to refund their order. In the scope of what I had on my plate, that wasn’t a big deal.
I dealt with the issues that were stressing me at church. I’d been holding on to some things for close to a year, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had to be very transparent with leadership what I’d been feeling, which was undervalued and not trusted. The reality is, I felt like a middle man and not a leader in some instances, and anyone who knows me well, knows that I don’t play that role well at all. I’m either all in or I’m not in at all. Don’t give me a label if you don’t want me to strive for the level of excellence I believe we deserve.
I’m now at a place of contentment in those areas – well, as content as a person with anxiety can be.
On the other hand, I still have a ton of things I’m dealing with. Frankly, I’m dealing with loneliness and sadness. This is a daily journey. I don’ t have much hope for my romantic further though I want to. I just don’t. I’m angry often, bitter and a little hopeless. And that’s the honest truth.
I miss my boyfriend like crazy. I have a broken heart. And I am really just trying to get by.
And on top of that, I’m not sure where the people who look like me who aren’t married are. I love my friends, but I just need some melanin right now. I’m kinda missin the people from the hood too. Life was simpler and more fun then.
So to the age old question, does money buy you happiness? No.
And to what I started with, “am I okay?” No, but I know today is not where my story ends.