Why do people give advice? I mean…especially when you don’t ask for it. Or you don’t ask them for it. I didn’t ask you for a reason and now I have to disregard the information you just chose to spew all up in my area of influence.

#1) Don’t do that again.

#2) Get yo life boo.

#3) Don’t do that again.

Now that I’ve said that…here’s some bad advice I’ve gotten (or over heard) over the years.

  1. Girl you’re okay. When I was gaining weight. Maybe a size 4 was too small. But getting close to a size 16 was flattering either.
  2. It’s alright. You’ll bounce back next week. When I started to slide off of the Weight Watchers plan. (That may have been okay advice when I bounced back, but what about when I don’t bounce back? I’m not sure I’ve actually ever bounced all the way back. It’s hard eating carrots. Now I want some baby carrots. *eyes roll*)
  3. You shouldn’t wear pajamas to the store. Ughhh…Get yo life. The last time I checked, Meijer (the local grocery store) wasn’t deemed the house of fashion and bacon didn’t come with a side of Victoria’s Secret angel wings. I’m going to ask you to care about something more important than flannel-lined bottoms. If they’re not dirty, their fine. I’m sure there are bigger things in the world to care about. The ASPCA obviously thinks so. (Anyone else chuckle when they hear “In the eyes of an angel”…and I have a dog. I HATE that commercial. Ahhh…I digressed.)
  4. You should do it like this. Or charge that. If their money isn’t coming directly into your pocket, affecting your business or your ability to pay your bills, you may want to hold your tongue before giving advice. 1) Did they ask for the advice. 2) Is the right time for the advice. 3) Are you helping the situation. 4) DO THEY WANT YOUR ADVICE? Maybe they like being taken advantage of…or maybe their building their clientele. We don’t know all the ins and outs of how they handle their business – and questions can go a long way. And the biggest problem…they didn’t ask for the advice.
  5. You should get a Ph.D. Please. Go kill yourself. When I want to pursue another degree, I’ll think about it…but because I would be the first doctor in the family isn’t a compelling enough reason to endure the amount of stress and anxiety that goes along with pursuing such a meaningless degree in my field…unless I wanted to teach or contribute something new to my field. (BTW…I do want to contribute something new to my field.)
  6. Don’t be emotional. Forget you. I’m emotional by nature. To tell me not to be emotional is to tell me to kill part of myself.
  7. Watch who you eat lunch with? Once again…kill yourself. Are you really that political or think that I’m that stupid that I can’t figure out who eating with will cause political suicide. 1) Let my work speak for myself. 2) I’ve done a fine job of choosing my friends since I was a child. I don’t need help now. 3) If I have a concern, I’ll ask. 4) It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out you have to be careful around certain people. Gosh!
  8. You shouldn’t act so stuck up? Well maybe they should clean their restaurant. I’m not all that self-absorbed, but I abhor dirty restaurants. I have to eat the food and you can’t as little as sweep your floor. And is that salmonella poisoning from your dried, cracked up cheese? I’ll tell the ER I got food poisoning because I decided to not be stuck up.
  9. You shouldn’t be so direct. You shouldn’t be so sensitive. Put on your big girl panties and suck it up. This world is full of “politically correct” who are forever rubbing others backs to make them feel good. I’m pretty sure I have a fine balance of funny and truth. Get over it. I had to. And when my feelings get hurt, I cry and then deal with it…why? Refer to #6. Which is also probably the reason I’m so direct. I can’t deal with holding all these emotions in to make you feel better. It only makes me feel bad. I’m over feeling bad to make someone else feel good. I’m going red for heart health and taking care of my blood pressure by letting you know what’s on my mind. And if I don’t like you…I just don’t like you. 9 times out of 10 it’s you not me…I promise. I get along with A LOT of people…so…I’m not the common denominator.

I’m sure I’ve gotten a crap load of other bad advice. But I can’t remember right now. But in the words of my girl Maya from YouTube…Do You Boo.

*and scene*

Dedicated to all my single homies.


CAUTION: A few italics may or may not have prematurely lost their lives during the development of this post. 🙂

After clicking on a link on my friends blog the other day, I promptly landed on a mommy blog, and I felt my frustration-level rise almost immediately. It was the feeling of…another club that I’m not part of. And after thinking about it (for a very brief time while standing at my sink), there are all these “self-affirmation”, unity, we love the same thing blogs out there… with the exception of one…the single people unite blog.

Don’t believe me…There are some blog types that seem to prevail. The mommy blog… the fashion blog… celebrity gossip blog… the sports junkie blog…  and the list goes on. (Please add more in the comments.)

I get it; singles aren’t screaming “my love life is amazing” from the mountain tops. In fact, you often find singles

singing anthems filled with “woe it’s me” or ballads filled with love-starved lyrics featuring their quest for their long, lost Prince Charming or feminist-derived compositions of “he ain’t crap.” And while there are plenty of posts about how to get a man, I’ve only heard of maybe one popular one about being single and proud.

But let’s really just be real. If we really think about it, there are some pretty awesome things about being single. (And no, I’m not talking about the “you get to know yourself” line.) – Don’t forget to like and retweet if you’re feeling this post.

  1. You don’t have to schedule dates to hang out with your friends.

    Cereal for dinner is one of the little things that make singlehood a little bit better.
    Cereal for dinner is one of the little things that make single living a little bit better.
  2. You don’t have to check with “no-dang-body” before you make plans.
  3. You can leave the house any time you dang well please.
  4. And then come back any time you dang well please
  5. You can eat WHATEVER you want…
  6. And at any time of the day you want. Chicken for breakfast? Sure. Why not?
  7. You don’t have to worry about what he is doing…
  8. Or who he is calling…
  9. Or whether or not he is lying…
  10. About ANYTHING.
  11. And you don’t have to worry about his boys…
  12. Or what his friends are saying…
  13. Primarily about you.
  14. You don’t have to worry about their 2 cents about you kids…
  15. Or your dog…
  16. Or cat…
  17. Or what you feed them…
  18. Or how you raise them.
  19. You don’t have to hold your gas
  20. The only “stuff” [car, home…] you have to be concerned with is your own.
  21. And you can spend your money on anything you dang well please.
  22. You don’t have to worry about how he thinks you look…
  23. Or how he looks. Are you really wearing that?
  24. You don’t have to compromise on vacation plans…
  25. You don’t have to worry about explaining why you bought another pair of shoes
  26. Or a new shirt
  27. Or a new dress
  28. Or iPhone 6 (since you just got the 5 last year) (yup…I just shamelessly used an Apple link for SEO)
  29. Or [fill in the blank]
  30. And you don’t have to worry about fighting over the blanket
  31. Or sleeping under a sliver of a blanket
  32. Or being stuck at the edge of the bed because your significant other has unconsciously taken up the other 99/100ths of the bed.
  33. You don’t have to worry about the amount of time you spend on your computer
  34. Or on your phone
  35. Or on YouTube
  36. You get the sofa all to yourself
  37. And the chair
  38. And the love seat
  39. You can have a party whenever you want.
  40. The only sandwich you have to worry about making is your own.
  41. If you don’t want to watch football, you don’t have to.
  42. And you don’t have to worry about trying to decipher between a field goal, first down, jump shot, or slap shot.
  43. You don’t have to worry about being a softball – hockey – [fill in the blank] widow.
  44. And you don’t have to worry about fighting with anyone at home…and if you do, that problem is bigger than anything this blog can solve
  45. The only person’s decisions you have to be concerned with are your own
  46. And if you get a job offer, the only thing you have to worry about is the raise and when do you start.
  47. You don’t have to worry about anyone else’s credit score. Whether you’re a 200 or 720.
  48. He/she didn’t eat the last of your favorite food…
  49. Or the leftovers.
  50. And no one is asking you what’s for dinner.
  51. Your house can be a mess and no one has to know…
  52. And you have the luxury of cleaning whenever you get around to it.
  53. You don’t have to compromise about what to watch on TV
  54. Or be forced to watch “that” one more time. (Comment with your “that” in the comments below.)
  55. And you can listen to music as loud as you want without worrying about whether or not you’re disrupting anyone.
  56. You don’t to have to pretend to be okay around others when you’re totally fighting.
  57. You don’t have to act like you care about something you really could care less about. No, I don’t want to play Dungeons and Dragons!
  58. You don’t have to explain why you do that weird thing you do.
  59. And finally, you don’t have to worry about getting into a fight because of something posted on Facebook! *Ooh…look at that donk*

And he may have been cyber-stalking me for all of 3 seconds…and then I blocked him.

The chronicles of online dating continue.

[He likes my photo.]

[Wait! What is that beard?!]

[WHAT! Age: 47]

[He likes another photo.]

[AND ANOTHER PHOTO]

YOU LOOK SO GOOD. AND YOUR EYES ARE SO SEDUCTIVE. AND YOU LIPS…

[OH NO. I THINK I’M BEING CYBER-STALKED]

CALL ME! *insert phone number*

[_____.com ads lie]

[And block]

*Different site.* [Wait a minute now. You call me! 555-XXXX]

 

If you’re looking for a list of social media bashing or a platform for commiserating on how “people say stupid stuff” this isn’t it. Frankly, my paycheck is tied to people’s affinities toward social networking. And, just months ago you may have found me, contrary to this post, evangelizing the good of social. I truly don’t believe it is all bad. In fact, if you’ve seen the amount of scripture, Upworthy links, and items that brighten your day, one can arguably state that there’s a ton of good.

Now with one of the most succinct intros I’ve ever written out of the way, here’s the meat:

  1. The never-ending popularity contest. It’s no longer about how many friends do I have. Instead, I found myself consistently checking to see how many likes I had. As previously read, this is why Millennials have a desire for instant and constant feedback. I must agree. A “like” is a sign of approval, or in high school terms, you’re popular. But in real life, this does nothing for me but validate my thoughts or humor. And I LIKED IT! When you get to point 4, you’ll see why this isn’t so great.)
  2. The inability to disconnect. We could all say that we  choose when we’re on Facebook and when we’re not. I’m more like the person who’s unsuccessful at quitting smoking, I have a horrible time with disconnecting. I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. I wanted to break free, but the fact that it is everywhere – phone, computer, tablet – I couldn’t get away. (Kinda like a crackhead going into a crack house saying they’re not gonna hit the pipe. #justsayin)
  3. The induced need for a 12-step program. I was totally addicted. As you continue to find yourself consistently receiving likes, laughs, and comments, you find yourself posting more and more to get the next high. Though I don’t have any scientific evidence, this is probably very closely tied to the same [insert smart psychology phrase here] that happens when one finds pleasure in food, etc.
  4. I personally can’t handle it, emotionally. Finding myself almost in tears due to PMS-induced emotions surrounding births/new moms, marriages, and sappy women loving on their children and telling us every amazing thing little Johnny did, I realized Facebook isnt a good place for me anymore. Not because I want them to stop. I’m a total advocate of romantic love and parents who are in love with their kids – frankly, I love many of their kids too. It’s just that it clouds what personally makes me happy. There’s no need to give the empathetic “awww” in this place. There are plenty of things that make me happy. Not being distracted from these things is what’s key.
  5. It’s what I do for a living. And this means I spend wayyyyyy too much time thinking about Facebook and seeing that little white F in a blue box. And frankly, I’m suffering from content and information overload. Not everyone spends time nearly as much time finding and developing content for Facebook as I do. I’m pretty sure that disconnecting from Facebook will give my brain a much needed break on a daily basis, hopefully improving some of my brain functionality. (You may laugh, but the fact that I can’t clearly communicate using the words I desire honestly worries me. I have no idea how I can’t seem to access pretty basic terms on-the-spot. And though I may not show it, I’m a tad embarrassed. Not enough to climb under a rock, but enough to raise a red flag.)

I may do quite a few things that seem pretty dramatic. And like I said before, the Facebook digression could be 85% PMS-induced. However, the thought of doing it has been there for a while.

These 2 lins prove point #4 110 times over:

Stuff new moms say on Facebook

I’m actually guilty of #2 though I wasn’t enagaged

Please add more. I’m down for a good laugh – or moment where I can empathize. Whatever floats your boat.

[Sees picture.]this guy

He’s kinda cute.

[Clicks picture. Views more pictures.]

He’s cute but looks a little weird.

[Oh. He’s online. Click to chat. Small talk.]

Then it begins…

Him: Can I ask you a question?

Me: What?

Him: Nevermind.

Me: Whatever?

Him: I don’t want to ask. You may feel some type of way.

Me: Well, you won’t know if you don’t ask. And we won’t know if I’ll feel a type of way if you don’t ask.

Him: It’s been over 10 months since I’ve been in a relationship. Do you ever get in the mood?

Me: Of course. It’s human. [How old is he? 3? Now more skeptical than before.]

[More small talk as I jokingly antagonize him about the wife beaters he had on in his pic. Sexy, much?]

Him: I wanna talk sexy to you, but… (I can’t remember what he said)

Me: [Online guys are pervs] Yeah, it may be better that you don’t.

Him: ok

Me: [Douche]

[Block.] [Reports him to the division of all things inappropriate.]

Too drastic? I’m not really in the market for cyber sex. Go make nice with a computer mouse.

This guy.

Too sexy

And then there was the guy with his top off on 3/5 of his pics looking like all things over-the-top sexy. Dude, put on a shirt.

This guy.

**All exaggeration intended for your comedic relief. Carry on.**