I’ve been in this four-year relationship, and it’s pretty dysfunctional. She loves me. I love her. But there are times I HATE her. There are so many HORRIBLE, disrespectful things she’s done.

  1. Your food is her food.
  2. Her food is her food too.
  3. She pees in the house sometimes. And I’m tired of cleaning it up.
  4. When I tell her “down,” she just looks at me…
  5. …Or just goes to the end of the bed or couch and sits or lays there
  6. Her thirst is real.
  7. She talks back
  8. She’s the epitome of a cry baby
  9. She barks incessantly
  10. She gets in my bed when I don’t want her there
  11. She’s hard-headed.IMG_2949
  12. She has no respect for personal space. Can I pee please?
  13. She has no respect for the things you spend your hard-earned money on
    • My roman shades…chewed
    • My door, scratched
    • My door trim…hole in it
  14. Her persuasion methods are outright rude (the staring)
  15. She pulls trash out of the trash can
  16. She could care less if it’s supposed to be recycled. She treats that like trash too.
  17. She has no idea how annoying it is to clean up a shredded paper towel
  18. She chews gum and leave it’s on the carpet for me to clean up
  19. She’s an escape artist. I have to put a lock on her crate, otherwise, she’ll undo the latch.
  20. She hates her crate unless the door is open
  21. She has separation anxiety
  22. She will follow you around as if you’re life depended on it
  23. A cracked door is her best friend and your arch nemesis. You will not catch her if she runs away. So don’t even try chasing her by foot. Persuasion is your best bet.

Her name is Piston. She’s my pooch. And as much as I think about taking her back, I just can’t.

Things I’ve learned from my dog:

Always go to the same place.

If you can’t let yourself out, be sure to letsomeone know you have to go

If someone doesn’t let you go, poop on their basement floor

Never throw up in the same place you pee. The bedroom is a much better place.

Squat? Never sit.

Be sure to cover up your mess.

Bark when you’re done.

Sit when you’re done if you ever wanna go back inside.

If you don’t remember anything else, remember this…if you’re good, you’ll get a treat.