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Look at these handsome men with that beautiful woman.

True story. My Sundays are generally spent at church (hopefully) and then with family.
And if you know anything about my family, you’d know that our time together is spent over compliments, disses, cooing over babies, playing with young kids, boisterous, yet insightful, political and discussions and/or debates, and most of all laughs. (And, I’d be lying if I didn’t include that there were the occasional fights as well.)

For the most part, parents, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandma get together and have a good time. It’s almost like a holiday weekly. And when I’m with family I’m often the loudest — the center of attention. You may find me doing a dance, laying down the latest dis, telling a “oh, no they didn’t” story, finding enjoyment playing with a child or holding a baby. Unlike most of my friends, and many techies,  I’m an extravert. So, here, I’m in my element.

But then comes the time when it’s time to leave; this is often a dreaded time.

This means I have to go home – alone. I feel the anxiety build with just the thought. And no many how many times this routine repeats itself, it never gets better.

But this week was different. I still felt the anxiety and the time at home had started to get dreadful. Then I made a decision.

“I’ll workout,” I thought. First I hit the abs. Then were the squats and shoulder. And, I worked on the biceps as well – all with gospel music playing in the background. Although, I’m sure I didn’t work off that frozen yogurt, it did make me feel better about myself. 🙂

Then I pulled out the flute. IMG_3342

I pecked out  the notes to “The Prayer” on the keyboard as I listened to it on Spotify. This was all a process to get the notes for the flute. (Sidenote: If you can find the notes to a song on the piano, you can probably play it on a C instrument.) After I had the notes, I played until I didn’t feel like playing anymore.

And now here I am blogging about how I kicked depression’s butt today.

It’s not the details in what I did, but the big picture of “what” I did that helped me kick depression’s butt. By keeping my mind occupied by doing things I enjoy, the anxiety subsided. The bigger part is the reward; feeling like more than a conqueror, even if only for a moment.

I’ve been going through a very trying time; both at work and personally. To put it mildly, my stressIMG_0006 level has been on 10. From managing a potential relationship to dealing with parental issues to working on a pretty intense project, the concept of fun and games has been pretty low. Add a wedding that’s less than 30 days away, a bridal shower that just passed, an upcoming bachelorette party, and surviving a car accident that happened literally 14 days ago, and you’ve come across a pretty frazzled chick. BTW…I had no idea all this stuff was going on in my life. And the list doesn’t end there until reflecting while writing this. But I digress.

And with stress comes a couple more things…depression and anxiety attacks. And if any of you are like me, you may have silent anxiety attacks. At least that’s what I’m calling them. They’re the attacks that don’t paralyze you. You barely even know they’re happening. But when you stop to think about it, you realize you’re having an anxiety attack. Yep…totally had one of those today…accompanied with internal shaking and anger.

One thought. Meds and sleep.

But I took a different route.

I hit the treadmill. I was determined to literally work out the aggression.

30 minutes. Aggression still there.

41 minutes. Anxiety and anger still there.

And it wasn’t torture. I even started dancing on the treadmill. (Don’t try that at home.) I took pics, recorded a video, and had a couple of conversations via text. And let’s not even talk about my Twitter timeline.

Then I wrote my mom, “I want to back slide.” I totally wanted to revert to old habits – at least the one where potty mouth was in effect. Swearing was my thing prior to living for God. And boy, could I go in. I told her I needed prayer and holy oil plugged into me via IV.

She responded with the most profound comment of the day:

“OK, just hooked up the prayer iv line up; I think I found a good vein and there flows the blood of Jesus.”

My goodness. Those are shouting words (as we say in the black community). I mean…do you get it. The blood of Jesus is available to me. He took stripes, suffered, and died specifically for this. And now, I have access to this grace freely. My goodness. Or should I say His goodness! (SMH)

***I have to stop just for a moment of praise. God is so good!***

I tried to do so much to make it right, but God…

Anyhoo…to the title of this. The reality is some things have to go. Toxic relationships are an example of things that need to go, especially when you’re living in a fantasy.

So, today, I say farewell to a fantasy. Sorry, guy, but i have to let you go. (Not the guy I referred to in my last post.) You have to live your life and I have to live mine. I love you, but it’s doing more harm than good. I now realize I am whole. I have a perfect life. And I’m okay with the way it came out. The experience was enlightening and definitely worth it – and because of it, I now have another story to share…to uplift and shine light on situations like mine.

I realize the experience had its purpose. But a fantasy is just that…not real. Thanks for all you’ve done. I will now go on with my life. Whole and a pretty darn cool chick.

In the voice of Kirk Franklin, “I smile.”