This place. It’s familiar; maybe even popular. But more infamous than the acclaimed stage of desired fame. Well
known, but not always sought after. It’s called loneliness. It’s also called despair. I’m sure there are a few other words that can be used to describe this place, though, I’m not sure any would be positive.
That’s where I found myself this weekend.
I found myself lonely and in a place of despair. I found myself desperately wanting to do something with someone. A friend. A man. Anyone in whom I enjoyed their presence…and I was at a loss.
Saturday, I had a grand old time with my bestie. We laughed in a desolate town that has to be a retiree’s gold mine. So barren that it reminded me of an old western film, and I was the one looking on, only waiting for a lone piece of tumbleweed to pass by.
And even that trip was a stretch after a fight with a headache and a fight to simply leave the house and then the city. I made it, though. So, that was a success of its own.
Sunday was not successful.
After making it to church, I realized I was in a funk. During prayer was when I really felt the tears ready to come on…though I’m not even sure if my eyes totally welled up, let alone produced an all out cry. As the say went on, I continued to feel blue. I was talking. I was spending time with family. I was even laughing.
Then, after some people left, I commented, “I’m pretty sure I’m depressed.” I followed the statement by noting though I may not look or sound depressed, I felt depressed.
I couldn’t put my finger on what it was at that moment. And, even worse, I couldn’t cry.
But once I made it to a quiet place on my own, it hit me. The tears fell, and soon thereafter, I identified the issue. I was lonely.
I realized how no one calls me very often to do things. And I realized how I hadn’t talked to a guy of my interest the entire weekend.
I felt rejected.
Now that I write, the feeling is clear. I’m feeling an overwhelming feeling of both loneliness and rejection. Whether perceived or real, I feel rejected.
I feel rejected by the guy who I’m interested in. Though I know he’s interested in me, I having issues adjusting to our relationship.
I feel rejected by my peers. No one hardly ever calls or even texts to say “how are you” or “do you want to go out” and even if they do, they have no clue how social anxieties makes it so hard to go out. It’s so much easier to stay home…yet, I crave interacting with my peers. It’s such a catch 22, and frankly, I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of this person I’ve become due to depression and anxiety.
I used to be the life of the party. Now I avoid many of them.
I used to talk to several men at one time. Now my biological clock that tells me I should be settled down has me all discombobulated.
Forget that. I want my life back.